Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
