My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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