Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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