Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
