I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
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