Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
