seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
