every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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