I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Randomize
