Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
