just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
My ATM looks so different sober.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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