I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
