If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
