You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
