goodnight i made you a song goodbye
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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