She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
