im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
