the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
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