My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
