I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
