the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
