Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
