Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
