The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
