Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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