I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
