so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
