I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
