All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
