I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
