Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
