I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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