i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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