as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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