he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
