Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I want you more than these girls want KFC
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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