I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
