i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
