i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
