The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
