Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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