Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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