Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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