If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
