Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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