I smell stomach acid.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
