And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
