i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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