if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
