u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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