Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
