I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
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